OMFG. So ever since I bought my car Gus has been wanting me to go see him instead. I know he is busy with work and everything but does it kill him to come see me for just this weekend that he has off? I know we just spent like a whole week together, but you can never spend too much time with the one person that you love. I know people need their space too, but how often do we actually get to see each other though. I mean really if I didn’t want to come over there to see you and you didn’t want to come see me then we will never see each other. But why is it that ever since we started dating like 3 years ago you have never wanted to come see me because you say the drive is too long or you are too tire. Well I have news for you, you have always claim to be fucking tire even on the days that you don’t do shit and all your days off all you ever fucking do is lay on your bed and play games all day. What’s the difference if you come over here to see me and play game? And when I was staying at my mom’s house that time that she only lived like 5 minutes away from you, you still didn’t want to come see me because your other excuse was that you felt uncomfortable there. You’re full of shit. I was so mad at him that I was crying and cussing at him. I just feel that he isn’t even putting any effort into this relationship. I said to him, “It didn’t seem to bother you all those other time that you came to see me every weekend when we first was getting to know each other and the first month of dating, but maybe that was because you was only coming to get the pussy. Go and be a fucking man whore with your low lives friends because that’s all you ever thought about that’s why you aren’t trying to settle down and have kids and be committed.” I honestly feel like that is true. Urgh, he just pisses me off so bad. People just don’t understand, they assume that I’m overreacting but they just don’t know. All those other times that he came to see me was because I had to be a bitch and act all crazy and shit and bug the shit out of him for him to finally give in. Why? Tell me why I always got to be a bitch to him to get what I want sometimes instead of taking me serious the first time I tell/ask him nicely? And then he wanna sit there and blame me for everything. Damn, he so rude! I went through so much shit FOR him. I even fucking ruin MY reputation for HIM. HOW? By going to his parent’s house and sleeping there with him. I got talked about and looked down upon because I was doing all that just to be with him and he can’t even see how much hurt and pain I went through just to be with him. While he just sat there and let his parents talk their shit about him. Hell if I know if he even stood up to his parents for me like what all his sister in laws “claim” to witness or hear about. Then he got the nerves to call ME needy?! Oh hell naw, it’s over now. I’m taking a break from your ass! Don’t even try to call or come see me until I’m done taking a break from you! You are so fucking self fish! You only want to do something when you want to do it but when it comes to me everything got to be push back to another date or put on hold! I can’t stress enough about how self fish you are! You don’t even think about how I feel sometimes or how it might effect me or us. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I honestly thought that I could see a future with you but now I’m contradicting myself even more now. Thanks to you, I’m learning how to not plan ahead all the time and stop trying to make things happen when clearly it’s not even going in that direction. I even sometimes think that what we have is just all in my head when really we don’t even have anything going on for us. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’m so fed up. I know it was stupid of me to threaten to break up with him over that stupid issue of him not wanting to come see me but what bother me more was that all the times that I’ve threaten to leave him not once has he ever fought to keep me. He just stay silent over the other line. I said to him that I honestly don’t even know if he loves me because he doesn’t say it or even tell me that he miss me. So today I wanted him to prove his love for me and all he had to do was drive an hour and thirty minutes to come see me and spend the weekend with me before he goes back to work but nooooooooooo, what did he do? He was resting on the other phone while I was crying and telling him off. He is so fucking annoying. I honestly don’t even know how we end up together this fucking long. He irritates me so bad!

So this year it seems like everyone is either getting married or getting pregnant. Three people that I know of so far is/are getting married this year. My cousins, Michelle Lor and May Vang and this guy friend of mine, Vong Lee. It just seems like everyone is moving on with their life and starting their own family and I’m just sitting on the side line watching them. In a way I do feel left out but just because everyone is doing it doesn’t mean that I am going to do it too. I mean I’m not going to rush into something that I’m not quite ready for. I really can’t believe that May married James. It doesn’t bother me anymore that he is my ex, as a matter of fact I try not to think of him as my ex rather then just some guy that I used to know that is now married to my cousin and is now my brother in law. I thought that it was too soon for them to get married but I’m happy for them both. I wasn’t that shock when I found out because I knew that they were going to get married someday, but it was shocking because she is still so young. Anyways, everyone has their own reason for doing what they do/did and all you can do is be happy for them and wish them the best. As for cousin Michelle we was never that close growing up but as we grew older we grew closer, but still not close enough to be hanging out together all the time. Since she got married she seems to be happy. I wish she didn’t live so far away though. Come to think about it, it’s crazy how much you can take someone for granted until they die or move away and that’s when reality kicks in and makes you regret all those times that you never went to go spend time with that person. So you should always cherish everyone around you and especially those people closes to you.

Also I this past Saturday was Gus and my 3 year anniversary. I can’t believe I’ve been with this guy this long. I honestly thought that we weren’t going to last this long but I’m so glad that we are still growing strong and learning how to love each other more. I can’t imagine how my life would be right now if I wasn’t with him. He has made a big difference in my life and I hope that he continues to do so (in a good way). With all the marriage and the talk about marriage going all around me I have also been thinking about it too. But I’m afraid. I get scare about the thought of marriage like how I am going to spend the rest of my life with this one person. It’s quite sad and frighting how I am going to leave everyone behind to start my new life one day, all my families and friends and most of all my sister. I know that when the time comes I’ll be ready to leave because everyone has to go at one point. You can’t wait on people forever. Also another thing that scares me about marriage is going to go live with the in laws. Knowing that my boyfriend’s parents doesn’t like me already makes me feel uneasy about leaving my family to live with his. I don’t know, it’s just all so new and scary. But one day, I’ll like to know how it feels to be married and experience that side with the man that I love.

Lately, I’ve been getting this feeling like I just want to get away from people and places. Friends has become lame or uninterested and boyfriend has become a blur and I get all these mix emotions that I can’t really explain. Everything bothers me and I just can’t stand it. I feel like I’ve given the best I can for some people and standing next to them helping them in every way I can and they just brush me off. Is it me that is turning my back on them or is it them? I’ve given up. I’ve lost hope. I’ve come to stop trying to plan and predict things because I’m just so tire of everything. Tire of how things doesn’t go the right way. Tire of how I’m always the one that is planning everything. Tire of the people I hang around with. Tire of everything. I need a new life style, new friends, a new me. I just want to live again. I don’t know what to think anymore. So much things are running in my mind right now. FUCK EVERYTHING.

So fucking pissed. I’m am so fucking pissed. I hate them. I hate them all. I that family of mines. Can’t ever fucking do anything and they always expect me to do everything for them. I feel so used and worthless. I want to moved away, so far away. Someone take me away. I think I should move out of state, I can’t stand them anymore. Why me, what did I ever do to deserve this. Why can’t I get a fucking job? Is it because I’m fucking fat, goddamn, I hate my fucking life. Fucking hate everything and everyone. FUCKING BITCHES.

If only if I had a job.

If only if I had my own car.

If only if I had my own place.

If only if I had a nice body.

If only if I was taller.

If only if I could get anything I wanted/needed.

Life would not be so miserable and I wouldn’t hate it so freaking much. 

Getting intoxicated, everyone does it at one point or another and occasionally you fucked things up and so forth, but let’s just make one thing clear; Alcohol use does not cause sexual violence. Putting alcohol into your system does not cause you to commit a sexual assault anymore than putting gasoline into your car causes you to drive to the airport. Gasoline makes it easier to do what you want to do (e.g., drive a car) while alcohol also makes it easier to do what you want to do (e.g., grope women). If you do not at least think about doing something when sober, you are not likely to do it when drunk. For example, no one worries about becoming so intoxicated that he will lose control and stab himself in the eye with a fork. Why? Because he would never consider doing that when sober.

Alcohol acts as a permission slip. By reducing inhibitions, alcohol often makes it more likely that someone will choose to sexually assault another person. As one man in a violent offender program noted, “When I first came to your program I told you that I hit my wife because I was drunk; now I realize that I drank so that I could hit her.” He realized that alcohol did not excuse or even explain the abuse. Instead, alcohol was the way that he had tried to avoid responsibility for the abuse.”

I always hear people talk about their past mistakes and how they wish that they can go back in time and undo them, but honestly, who doesn’t make mistakes? If you have never made a mistake in your life then I don’t think that you are human. People need to make mistakes so they can learn from them and grow stronger and wiser. Just like the quote, ” To be old and wise first you must be young and stupid.” That’s why it’s called “mistakes” for a reason because you learn from it and changed your ways for the better. If it wasn’t for those mistakes do you think you’ll still be the same person you are today? The past and mistakes is what makes you who you are if you let it. So don’t let it bring you down and look at it as a life lesson learned. Keep your chin up, gorgeous and stop stressing over small matters. Instead of grieving about the past do something that will make you proud of yourself. Also, what may sound and look like it’s the best thing in the world to you at this very moment could be the worst thing that ever happen to you, maybe not now, but it could become your biggest regret in a blink of a eye. So stop trying to be perfect and just live life to the fullest and go with the flow. Also know that just because you make mistakes it is not okay to blame every little thing based on mistakes especially if you were intentionally doing it.

I honestly feel like a fucking bird trap in a cage and someone threw the damn keys away. FML!

I feel like I do so fucking much in this fucking house and for everyone and when I ask for something everyone ignores me or think that it’s not important. Yeah, I know that going over there isn’t important but I need my time and fun too. I feel like I’m fucking handicap because I can’t do shit but stay at home all day and watch kids!!! I hate this life of mines. Like I said before, if I wanted to watch kids and be around them every fucking day then I would have one of my own. Shit pisses me off!!! And this is why I feel like I’m a bird in the cage because I don’t ever get to do anything or go anywhere I want to go. I’m a fucking slave in this house.

I’m jealous because we’ve been together for almost 3 years now and not once have I heard you tell me that you think that “I might be the one”. Whereas, My sister and my bestie, Der, have only been dating their boyfriend’s for a couple of months and they have already told them that. I mean, what’s going on with that? Do you really not love and want to be with me? Do you not like/want to be with me because I’m broken? I don’t know anymore, I want a future with you but it seems like you don’t want a future with me. I just want someone who will love and accept me for who I am. Yes, I may not be as rich, pretty, skinny, intelligent, or your perfect idol, but this is who I am and if you can’t accept that then maybe we should just go our own separate ways. Honestly, if you don’t want to be with me, why don’t you just find someone else? It’s not that hard. Just know that when I do love someone, I’m devoted to that one person and give them all my love and will sacrifice anything for them. I admit to flirting around sometimes and doing stupid things, but at the end of the day, your the only one on my mind and first thing on my mind when I wake up. No one can compare to you. But I’m just disappointed and heart broken really. Maybe we’re just not meant to be like I thought we were. What do you have to say for yourself?